Overflowing
by toganeshiro
Summary: When he did wake up earlier in the mornings, Ugetsu would pretend to be asleep for a few more minutes. Because Akihiko would be there. Quietly stroking his hair and kissing his ear, whispering words that he should only have said to a lover. And he could only pray Akihiko wouldn't notice he was awake. Or else it'd all be over.


_contains manga spoilers._

_this is canon divergence where ugetsu talks to akihiko and opens up to him. because up until their parting, he never show akihiko his true self. akihiko even thought ugetsu had fallen out of love when they broke up years ago and they're just sex friends up until the end. akihiko was the only one moving on, talking, ending things. ugetsu didn't talk, didn't tell, didn't end anything. so this is an alternate where ugetsu stops lying to himself._

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_**Overflowing**_

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Akihiko was a coward.

At least, that was what Ugetsu had always believed.

When he did wake up earlier in the mornings, Ugetsu would pretend to be asleep for a few more minutes. Because Akihiko would be there. Quietly stroking his hair and kissing his ear, whispering words that he should only have said to a lover.

Akihiko's warm breaths sent shivers down his spine as it brushed against his skin. And he could only pray Akihiko wouldn't notice he was awake.

Or else it'd all be over.

Sometimes a soft hum of their favourite classical piece could be heard. Other times a song he didn't recognise, or one he recalled to be The Season's new song. It was calming, knowing Akihiko's here, with a hum almost inaudible; lulling him back to sleep.

He treasured those moments.

Then when he woke up again, Akihiko would be absent.

And for one second, the silence of the soundproofed room reminded him of his current situation.

It's _terrifying_.

His eyes would dart to their shared dresser, and the feeling of a knot in his stomach would disappear as he saw Akihiko's clothes still neatly folded in there.

Then he'd return to his bed; _their_ shared bed, breathing in Akihiko's scent from the cover.

Akihiko hadn't left him yet.

After all, Akihiko was a coward. One who never had the courage to actually leave him.

He laughed at himself; what a joke.

Akihiko was a coward, but the biggest coward here was Ugetsu himself.

.

A door.

He slammed it shut, put in the key and twisted it. Once, twice. He pulled out the key and kept it safe in his pocket. His hand reached out to the cold doorknob and turned it.

It's locked.

Now no one could enter anymore.

Akihiko still managed to open it, though.

Who was he kidding? Akihiko had the key to his door. If he really didn't want anyone coming through his door, even Akihiko; he should have replaced it with a new one.

He never did.

And when he heard a noise from the door, he'd turn around and Akihiko would be there.

His heart would flutter and his stomach would twist. He would hold his breath and only until Akihiko had said _I'm home_ that he'd really feel like he'd been home all along.

But one time, the door remained closed.

With a neck covered in kiss marks and his cheek with a bruise, he tasted blood in his mouth. His ears wouldn't stop ringing and the only thing he could hear was Akihiko's anger in his voice.

Thus, he left the door unlocked,

That's what he always do everytime, again and again.

So many times that he had lost count.

It's a reassurance; Akihiko could lose his key or throw it away all he liked. But by leaving his door unlocked, it wouldn't matter.

Akihiko could come in anytime he'd like.

And that also applied to anyone other than Akihiko.

He's leaving himself out in the open; _exposed_. Anyone could come in and see him in his weakest state but he didn't care. See him break into pieces and see how fragile he was without Akihiko by his side.

Akihiko would return.

That's what he believed in.

The door would open, and Akihiko would be there with his usual expression. Groceries in one hand and Akihiko would cook him something special. Pretending nothing had happened.

Akihiko was a coward, after all.

He would return.

But this time, he might have been mistaken.

This had dragged on for too long and maybe Akihiko had run out of patience.

They both understood; it's useless keeping this up.

When the cut in on his lips had finally healed, he couldn't smell Akihiko's scent on their bed anymore. Only unfamiliar scent of a man whose name he didn't even remember.

He wondered, what did he want, really?

Was this really his home? A closed space without much sunlight, without any noise from the outer world.

Only him, and music.

He looked around him; scattered papers on the floor, broken pieces of glass anywhere. He tried to collect them but his body wouldn't move.

The unfamiliar scent made him sick. Only his violin could be his remedy right now, so he hugged it tighter in his arms. Letting the aroma of pine wood fill his nose.

He peeked over to his phone and there's no sign of any new text.

Akihiko had always come back after disappearing for a few days. Some other days he'd text him and ask what he'd like for dinner like nothing had happened. And he would play along and say instant ramen.

Any dinner was fine as long as Akihiko came home quick.

_When will he come back?_

_Will he even come back?_

His fingers traced the strings of his violin, plucking them gently and feeling it vibrate on his fingertips.

This was what he had chosen.

Music.

Music over Akihiko, that's what he decided. Because he had fallen too deep for Akihiko, to the point of not functioning properly without him.

Even as he picked up his violin for practice, his hands were too numb to keep it on his shoulder without dropping it. The pain in his head wouldn't go away and he lost count of cans of beer he had chugged down.

This was exactly _why_ he had to let go of Akihiko.

Music had been there for him; and that was enough. He needed not more. Yet Akihiko entered his life without any warning and settled there as a presence he couldn't live without.

This was good.

It's a good chance for this to end for real. Akihiko was not coming back anymore, and finally he could focus his life only on violin. That's how it should be.

This was good.

It's finally time to put an end to their story. Close the book and put it on a bookshelf. Let it collect dust and years later he'd read it and think of it as a memory of how he once let someone have so much control over him.

He traced the curves and dents on his violin, slowly counting if it had increased from what he last remembered.

What would happen from now on?

He'd most likely continue playing his violin like he had always been. As for Akihiko, he'd find a person who wasn't as twisted as him. Someone who would put Akihiko as their number one and treasure him.

Akihiko would be put out of this suffocating relationship.

This was good.

He'd say goodbye to Akihiko.

This was good.

This was good.

This was the end.

He plucked the string with his finger and low tune resonated in his ears. He shut his eyes close, a soft hum escaped his lips; a piece from Brahms that he recalled Akihiko playing the first time they met.

His hand twitched on its own in reflex of mimicking the action of drawing the bow. The tips of his other hand pressed on the chords and he could hear the sound in his ears.

He exhaled and fluttered his eyes open.

He hesitated for a moment to let go of the violin in his arms, but he did. He let go of it and put it down on the floor, inside its case. Carefully, like it was his heart that he put aside.

He reached out for his phone, which was still silent and showing no sign of Akihiko contacting him. He typed in the one number he memorised in his head and held his breath.

His thumb lingered on the dial button. The thumping of his heart was annoyingly loud and he forgot he could even still feel this sensation.

He's offering Akihiko his heart by calling him. He pressed the phone to his ear, his hands cold against his skin.

He waited, this time not for Akihiko to come through his door.

But for him to be allowed in Akihiko's.

The beep didn't even last that long and now the word was stuck in his throat.

There was numbing silence, but he's sure he could hear Akihiko's breath from across the line. _Impatient_. And Akihiko's voice trembled as he uttered out the word. Melodic, and nostalgic.

Ugetsu missed that voice calling out his name.

His whole body quivered and he gasped for air; it came out like a sob. A drop of tear fell on his lap, his chest hurt and there's nothing else in his mind now other than Akihiko.

He inhaled sharply, ignoring how the sound would give away how weak he was right now.

He prayed that it's still _not_ too late.

"I want to see you."

.

When he woke up, a low hum filled the room.

Soft, and intangible.

He had been chasing after the feeling of pain this whole time.

It satisfied him, it made him feel alive. The pain built his character and he couldn't give it up.

Music was his media of expressing his overflowing feelings. An amplifier; further pushing his emotions to the point of choking him. And that's how he had been living all this time, by experiencing immense emotions and gnawing pain in his chest.

When Akihiko entered his life, he received so much love.

So much that it overflowed. Like pouring sand on his hands, he cupped them tightly yet it still slipped through his fingers. And he didn't know what he should do with all of that.

Akihiko gave him joy.

And he wondered if he would disappear by receiving too much.

Losing himself and becoming a different person.

A gentle touch caressed his hair and he leaned further into the pillow; now it has Akihiko's scent again. He didn't want to show Akihiko how easy it was for Akihiko to break him. To show him how fragile he was.

Akihiko kissed the top of his head and put his arms around him. Akihiko's chest against his back and the cold touch startled him, but it slowly became warm as they embraced. And with one glance to the window panel high on the room's wall, he realised it was raining outside.

The soft humming continued, calming him from his sobs.

He's glad Akihiko's here with him, in this space where the sound of rain couldn't enter. Only then, Akihiko's soft whispers could be heard. The ones that should only be said to a lover.

And this time it was fitting.

It wasn't easy, telling Akihiko what was on his mind. And it's not like Akihiko would fully understand him. But at least there's no more hiding. He decided for himself that he should stop sabotaging his own life.

Akihiko's life didn't revolve around him and the things he did to Akihiko could never be forgiven. But he'd like to make up for it by staying true to himself from now on.

He didn't have to choose.

Both music and Akihiko could stay in his life and it would be fine.

He shouldn't be scared of a new emotion in him. He might have grown up with that emotion absent, but it didn't mean he should reject it. This _joy _would just be another emotion as a part of him.

He would not be a different person just because he's overflowed with _happiness_.

And Akihiko accepted him, by planting little kisses on his hair and holding him gently like he didn't want to break him. His heart thumped loudly, like it was high school all over again. Like it was their first time holding each other and he's worried Akihiko could hear it.

He caught Akihiko's hand which was resting on his stomach and turned around, facing Akihiko. He's sure his face was a mess with how much his eyes stung and his nose burned right now. A soft gasp escaped Akihiko's lips and he caught it with his own.

Let him see.

Let him hear.

Let Akihiko know how fragile he was.

Let him know.

He hugged Akihiko, arms squeezing tight and he could hear Akihiko groan. Reaching out to Akihiko yesterday was the right decision. This emotion he's feeling, he didn't hate it. He liked it. And he'd like to get used to it.

Behind Akihiko, his violin rested neatly inside its case.

He could _love_ both music and Akihiko. It's a space belonged only to them; here, inside this closed space of semi-basement apartment, where the noise from the world outside couldn't bother them.

Him, Akihiko, and music.

He buried his mess of a face in Akihiko's chest, holding him tight in his arms.

He'd never let go of this anymore.

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_**End.**_

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_after writing the scene about the ugetsu leaving his door unlocked after akihiko left, I checked the manga again and holy shit I didn't realise he really DOES leave his apartment door open too._

_I delete and rewrite this a lot of times, because ugetsu's character is so complicated and I ended up rereading the manga numerous times to try and grasp his character. I hope I did a decent job and you enjoyed reading my interpretation on his character._

_as for aki/ugetsu relationship, is their relationship even still repairable? I want to believe in it. akihiko is suffering these whole time because he never knew what ugetsu had in mind. he's in pain because he loves ugetsu and he thought ugetsu was toying with his feelings. if ugetsu does open up to akihiko, I believe they'll do fine as long as they keep communicating properly._

_thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed reading it._

_feel free to yell at me on twitter/tumblr toganeshiro_


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